Heathman's Haunted (Day 12)
(Warning Explicit Language)
One day in school as I picked up my books,
Ignoring the usual condescending looks,
I overheard Davey Heathman say,
That he and his parents were going away.
My heart leaped happily at this news,
And not because I’d never been on a cruise.
But that afternoon once they drove away,
I would have a most lavish place to stay.
The Heathman’s weren’t quite the most wealthy,
Though their vast funds enabled a life most healthy.
There were certainly richer at my school,
But most of them didn’t have an infinity pool.
So when the afternoon bell did finally ring,
I was already dreaming a life of bling.
I hurried over to my car,
Praying the hunk o’ junk would get me that far,
And I screeched out of there as if in a race,
A sly smile creeping across my face.
I knew exactly where their mansion was,
And I blasted rock music just because.
Driving deep into the hills,
The afternoon breeze gave me the chills.
I would have preferred the windows closed,
But they didn’t work in the Passat I chose.
And as I looked out at a particularly beautiful house,
I wondered if I should search for a wealthy spouse.
It wouldn’t be all about the money,
I’m just kidding, that was funny.
My spirits were high and I felt great,
As I pulled up at the front gate.
If I didn’t know the gate code, that would be bad,
But luckily I’d gotten it from Davey’s dad.
Back in the day when I was of little size,
The code I did memorize,
Whilst riding in the backseat next to Davey,
And listening to him whining like a baby.
I memorized it, I don’t really know why,
I never thought I’d be that guy.
But nevertheless, I was already here,
I scanned the road, the coast was clear.
The gate swung open when I entered the code,
A seed of mischief within me sowed.
Sure enough, their car wasn’t there,
The excitement was more than I could bear.
I parked the car and bounded to the door,
The sheer size of it amazed me, for I was poor.
The handle turned and the door opened for me,
Obviously, they’d skimped on the security.
I spent the next few hours exploring,
Their house was massive and far from boring.
I checked every little nook and cranny,
Their house was The Overlook and I was Danny.
The afternoon and evening passed in a flash,
Looking at the clock I knew I must dash,
Back home before anyone noticed I was missing,
But no one did, no one was listening.
After class the next day I returned as fast as I could.
Hoping no one would suspect I was up to no good.
Once again I had the Heathman’s house to myself,
Helping myself to all the food on the shelf,
I cooked myself a massive meal,
Not thinking of how it would make me feel.
And as fate would have it, I overate,
Boy oh boy I did not feel great.
But after throwing up on a kitchen stool,
I decided to wash off in the pool.
It was a lovely body of water,
And I splished and splashed just like an otter.
That night once I finally got home,
I yearned for more time to roam
That house before the Heathman’s returned,
For if they caught me, I’d surely be spurned.
So on the third day when I went back,
I tried to not act like I was not on crack.
More deliberately I combed the entire place,
The clock was ticking, I was now in a race.
I was searching for secrets and sure enough,
I found a hidden door behind some stuff.
Opening it slowly, I crept inside.
A perfectly hidden place to hide.
I moved carefully down a narrow hall,
It must’ve been within the wall.
When it finally ended at a small door,
I wondered if I’d been this scared before.
And as if to confirm my worst fears,
The walls were covered entirely with mirrors.
This house no longer felt like it was mine,
For in that room there stood a shrine.
The shrine must have been to a God,
And I moved closer like an ignorant sod.
Unable to help it, I touched a single goat’s horn,
Not knowing I would soon wish I’d never been born.
When I touched it, there came a terrible sound,
I instinctively dropped down on the ground.
But nothing happened, so I left,
And somehow I knew I was completely effed.
Wanting to leave as soon as possible,
I got to the front door, but it was uncrossable.
The books began to fly off their shelves,
As if hucked and chucked by angry elves.
I ducked, ran, and slid under the table,
Escape would have been great, but I was unable.
But now it wasn’t just the books,
The coats were flying off their hooks.
Next came the vases, smashing to the floor,
They used to be priceless, not anymore.
The house undulated, creaked, and shook,
And as I tried to get a better look,
A flying book hit me square in the face,
And I was transported to a better place.
As I came to and rubbed my head,
I thanked God I wasn’t dead.
But not the God from that fucked up shrine,
He’d been so far out of line.
But it was morning now and as I stood,
The Heathman’s drove into the neighborhood.
I did not hear them ‘till they opened the door,
To find their belongings broken on the floor.
They looked over and saw me there.
I frantically tried to flatten my hair.
“Good morning!” I said, trying to sound cheery,
Though in all honesty, I felt quite weary.
“What the fuck!” They shouted as one.
My housesitting career was done.
“I can explain. Just let me speak.”
“It’s been one hell of a week!”
“You know that God you worship so dear?”
“He’s to blame for what happened here.”
At this point Mr. Heathman,
Hopped on a call with a policeman.
I shook from my head down to my knees,
“Don’t get me arrested please!”
“I’m not to blame, this wasn’t my doing!”
I could sense there was trouble a-brewing.
Desperately I led the Heathman’s to the secret door,
But unfortunately, it wasn’t there anymore.
“What secret door? Are you trying to be funny?”
And all of this to dream of money.